Misunderstood ..yet again..

I am there again, trying to understand the disconnect that exists, between what I say and what others hear. And if experience has taught me anything, it has always been that my words are never perceived in the context that I wished them to be. It is painful enough to explain the misconceptions, it is another torture to deal with “ Is that what you have been thinking of me all along”? thought that kills me.

Conflicts in understanding (perceived or not)  makes me very sad and disappointed nullifying the bond that I have created with the said individual.  And inspite of clearing the air, all future interactions are tainted with the nagging fear of being misinterpreted again.  I withdraw and at all times, the withdrawal is perceived as me holding a grudge.  All those misconstrued words and actions  generate niggling thoughts of self doubt and awkwardness in dealing with people around me. And I am left wondering..where the hell did I go wrong?

  I have been an introvert all my life, and despite popular opinion,there have been only a handful of people I have depended on, bared my soul open and more often than not, the same set preyed on me in my most vulnerable moments.  Making me question the instinct that makes me feel safe around an individual, leaving me even more confused than what I began with.  And the hurt that comes along with it, is something that gives me sleepless nights.  Earlier, I would reach out to the individual, try and make up but now I  isolate myself , away from everything .

Each time an action proves that my instincts are wrong, I throw a tantrum, hoping that somebody sees through the seething anger I feel  when a loved one manipulates my vulnerability, exploits my feelings and loyalty, does not take a stand for me, even though they know I am right.  And in those phases, I am not used to carefully measure my words, words that are always misconstrued, misinterpreted , twisted to suit  conditions.

And here I am , isolating myself again, wondering  if I deserved it.  Wondering if it is ever worth peeling the layers and layers of restraint that I built around myself, to let someone in, and whoosh..feeling the cocoon that I build for myself, that I am loved , valued and safeguarded amongst my loved ones ,cracking open again..leaving me even more vulnerable than I was before..

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About Thumbelina81
A dreamer lost in this world. Part time Writer, Part time Gardener, A full time wife.

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