Boo hooo

I have been a colicky baby all through August, refusing to be comforted by anything external.  And I found myself endlessly ranting , wailing at every given instant, giving in to my perpetual mood swings, driving the near and dear up the wall. I have managed to get even the most patient ears to give up on me.

In spite of recognizing the obvious , I just can’t seem to stop.  Unable to find it in me to stop my unending train of  negativity and being sucked into the whirlpool of  self pity and sheer frustration. I am finding new layers within my frustrated self, the one that is ingrained with intolerance when dealing with questions from the past and the one that emerges out of sheer impulsiveness with the irrepressible urge to give back , as good as I get.

It is hard work, trying to recognize those impulses, stop them in their track and let go of them without a fuss. Its even more trying,when I am surrounded by unknown people who matter, and I find myself constantly working against my impulses, trying to let go without creating a scene, always tossing up between the things that I can talk about, and the things I cannot, and to whom.

On that note, I must  admit, that there has been no compelling recent event that warrants such an overwhelming frustration.   Every now and then, I find myself,  delving into the past and regretting the fiscal decisions that we had taken in the past six years, Accelerating our downfall and finding the quickest ways to turn  our fortunes into dust.  It hurts me deeply that inspite of denying ourselves every possible luxury for the past six years, we still are the couple trying to build our life from a scratch, trying to put together a semblance of savings  and maybe  a  security blanket. I wish I could turn back time and think through most of our entrepreneurial decisions, or for that matter,pray to a God , who could have been a little more merciful to us.  But then like Caveman says, it is all done and dusted, and my wailing or ranting will not re-instate our savings.

I feel akin to the athlete who is on the verge of giving up in the last lap of the marathon and need to find ways to make peace with the situation.  We still have one more year to pay off our liabilities with our hard earned money, deal with our bad debts  with the utmost dignity and persevere in our  frugal ways of living. Like 2012, I still feel, that I am  dealing with circumstances beyond my control  and I am but a mute , anxious spectator to this misery ,of filling this black hole of debt.

Remind me please,to find my  warm comforting blanket of faith , which worked wonders for me ,the last year.  I need to re-discover myself and believe, that I can still be the patient one ,I wish I get back into my mental space where criticism, comparison , validation wouldn’t matter. I need to find my silent space and strangle these pessimistic bouts by the neck.  And unlike last time, this time the silver lining is my job, which keeps me engaged ,gets me out of bed, and gives me the privilege of being lost for a few hours in the jungle gym of projects. That’s a ray of hope, ..dont you think?

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About Thumbelina81
A dreamer lost in this world. Part time Writer, Part time Gardener, A full time wife.

6 Responses to Boo hooo

  1. veena says:

    You will 🙂 You did it and can do it again 🙂

  2. mahabore says:

    C’mon as the saying goes “this too shall pass” Am sure whatever it is that is bothering you today will go away pretty soon. Am sure that you will find it within you to do whatever it takes to overcome this situation with a smile on your face and hope within your heart…

  3. ksbeth says:

    you are headed in the right direction, paths are generally not straight and take baby steps as needed ) b

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