In which I feel detached

I feel detached today from everything that I feel, from everything that  I want from  life. From the internal chaos that’s been knocking on the doors for a long time now, urging me to break free from the constant need, to conform to expectations. Maybe I have reached the proverbial comfortably numb stage where the pain transcends your soul. And, there is nothing left to feel, except a big vacuum, a big gaping hole of nothingness.

Looming around in PMS Ville, under the influence of grief and rejection, I walk around disoriented and numb to any feelings, eager to ride the waves of hope and despair that engulf my being from time to time. The constant tease that my life has become, keeping me in the perpetual state of transit between the past and the present  is tiring me out.

The past few days have been rough on me with the nephew and niece returning to their parents and a potential adoption slipping away from us like everything else does, and then the upcoming birthday blues mentioned here.

As I look back at the clutter of thoughts that mark my day, over the past six months, I wonder when I had become this sappy, bitter person, who is refusing to give up on unhappiness.

Why am I not giving up this quest to feel every emotion, that I have swept into a corner for so many years?

Why am I not able to lock up all my feel-ings in a box and drop it at some irretrievable place?

As I attempt to place my muddled thoughts in this post,I mourn the wisdom and the strength that I was bestowed with last year when I marched on with life.

I am too tired to sleep. I am too drained to vent. The self-crushing disappointment has taken its toll. The acute realization, that I have lashed out at my present and past for much too long has set in. Now my body and mind have come to a grinding halt, begging me to just stop feel-ing, thinking, and stop the constant comparison, of what I ought to be and what I am .

The silence around me is no longer unnerving but soothing in a strange way. I find myself still and calm after a bout of torrential arguments with my noisy self. Is this my oasis in the parched desert called my mind or is it my attempt to find my centre? Or is it the soothing balm that my bruised ego needs ?

Maybe it is the sheer realization that no matter how much I want, I cannot make things happen until they are meant to happen.  And the only thing that I need to give up is my emotional attachment to the things I dream up in my head, like the elusive career or a child for that matter. I am giving up trying too hard to find my calling. I am giving up on  these ranty moods, I am giving up my anger, my bitterness, my loneliness and most of all my unreasonable expectations of myself. And I attempt to get up, dust the cobwebs of my past and look forward to move on .

All in the hope, that someday I will reconstruct the feisty, happy Sonia that I used to be. And, while I enjoy my silence, I send out my gratitude to the master storyteller here ,to Caveman who gives up beer, friends and sometimes work to cheer me up, to FV and TS who are patiently waiting this phase out and all my virtual blogosphere friends who send me lots of love and power through emails, pictures  and  comments. A big thank you for being there and following me on this journey.

A special thank you to the one who sent me this link with ways to find my center when life is overwhelming, The techniques listed here are working wonders for me. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-find-your-center-when-life-feels-overwhelming/

And here’s another magical wand, a gratitude journal , that I am going to maintain from now on to take a peek at the blessings I forget to count on a daily basis. Try it it is therapeutic at http://www.happyrambles.com/

So long then folks . Have a beautiful day ahead and I will try to read my wonderful book with  a heart full of gratitude . Thank you for sending this picture which is going to grace  my wall.

Image

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About Thumbelina81
A dreamer lost in this world. Part time Writer, Part time Gardener, A full time wife.

21 Responses to In which I feel detached

  1. gunjanbit says:

    So much emotions,while reading it seemed i was feeling the detachment type feeling .Very nicely expressed .Keep it up .

  2. Beautiful article, it is overflowing with emotions and is extremely well written. Cheers !

  3. KP says:

    You will soon be the feisty and happy Sonia that you used to be.I am glad you have decided to follow some good tips.If you like ,please see this also http://kpsarathi.blogspot.in/2012/06/give-up-to-be-happy.html
    Thanks for mentioning me and for the regard you have for me

  4. billieazahir says:

    You expressed yourself so well I could relate to how you feel. When you have any emotion, be it an emotion that makes you feel good or bad, at least that emotion makes you feel connected to the world around you. At least that emotion pushes you to act. However, when you feel nothing, you feel no connection. I could give you some lines of encouragement that can be found in any self-help book….but if you are anything like me it won’t help. Only until that spark of fight that you have, though you doubt it’s there now, finds something to fan it so it can get brighter and you use the power from it to feed your spirit, I will read your expressions of empty and wait for it to change in time. And rejoice with you when it does. You are not alone….just remember that. Hugs

  5. Nice write.Even your pent-up feelings are beautifully revealed. Good luck

  6. magiceye says:

    Glad that you have recognised, diagnosed, accepted and taken corrective action 🙂
    Good on you!!

    Cheers!!

  7. lovely read. I hope everything turns out ok. Just know you are not alone 🙂

  8. cristinegee says:

    have felt this kind of feeling too and I held on to Faith in God and Hope. I’ll pray for you! 🙂 Don’t stop hoping for the best!;)

  9. Lovely writing – so brave and so honest. Remember – the hard times in life make us stronger. I know you’re developing a diamond like quality. A diamond was just carbon, till pressure turned it into a brilliant and precious stone.
    Good luck.

  10. See, so many people are trying to lift your spirits. This is just a phase and this too shall pass.

  11. P. C. Zick says:

    Your expression through the page will help move you swiftly (relatively) through this phase.

  12. Malini says:

    Your writings brim with emotions. They have the power to pierce the reader’s heart. I seriously think you must write a book.

  13. anjan roy says:

    You have come up with inspirational thoughts….and i must say these are the lynchpin eternal peace…when you are lost…take time and talk with yourself…and the other which is also a masterpiece…expectations are the root cause of all sorrows…lesser you expect…happier you would be…and those two links are motivating too…it seems you have gone through a lot of pain…in recent time…and only a person in pain can look out for such inspirations…this is what i have learned through my experience…!!!

  14. ritzy182000 says:

    Like they say, the darkest hour is also the hour before the dawn…..and am saying this from personal experience….there was a time when i never thought i would live to see this day

  15. Lovely and heartwarming……. Very well composed….. Thanks for the share……….

  16. umashankar says:

    There are times when you are traversing a light-less tunnel and there are no signs of that ray of light. It is because the light we yearn for is inside us rather than at the tunnel’s supposed end, just as the reigning darkness which is within us rather that the supposed tunnel.

    You have captured your feelings powerfully in the post.

  17. Chin up! 🙂 This too shall pass.

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