The Fugly moment

No more hiding from it, No more pretending that it is a myth or a fragment of someone’s distorted imagination. It is the truth that I am fat and ugly, not chubby, chunky or  a bit  more to love , but downright grossly obese.

I have been fighting the battle of the bulge for the past decade now. And unlike all the battles that I run away from, this ones the hardest, the meanest and never lets my fat ass of the hook. I am top heavy, bottom heavy and everything meaty in between.  Life goes a full circle every now and then, when I get on a diet or a workout routine, and lose some miniscule amount of weight. And then a few days of letting go and sheer procrastination, the pounds return with a vengeance. And there’s no one else to blame except my emotional eating, and my yo yo ing between I want to eat days to I want to eat more days.

I am in the most sensitive zone now, where a word or a comment about my weight can send me spiraling into a rabbit hole. And the zone is dark, making me question my appearance day in and day out. I have never been in this zone before, and it is too private a battle to be shared on a public blog. But this I can tell you , that I am grappling too hard to keep my self esteem intact. And  getting my triple chin up and moving on seems harder when I cant find the effin right clothes to wear, after painful weeks of window shopping. Getting my granny panties in a bunch, trying out every freakin ensemble, where  either  a trouser makes my legs look like short stumps from a tree, or make my ass stand out like its craving for independence. Plus sized garish prints of dots on my posterior or stars on my front don’t help either. So , inspite of being ready to pushed into credit for a killer outfit, I end up buying groceries or comfortable shoes on these witch hunts.

It is not always easy to find the perfect clothes for a fat short girl. So generally any impending occasions which require me to doll up send me on a “I have nothing to wear” or “ Nothing fits me anymore’ days  and if I am pushed in a corner, I wear something that makes me comfortable so that I can don my mask of confidence and comfort at  the least.

If you have ever been fat or overweight atleast once in your life, you would know, that the battle of the bulge is more a mental one, than a physical one. And sometimes, your mind is the worst enemy. Dressing up requires a lot of physical and mental effort. Approval /disapproval of  attires somehow matters and will go a long way in assuaging a  girls self esteem. If you have grown up with pretty sisters, who snub your clothes all the time, you will probably understand what I mean.

And even if I find the elusive right fits, I outgrow them every couple of months , and have an acute trauma attack when I have to give them away. And no matter what folks around me imagine, I have a sense of style , that can put all the self confessed fashionista’s to shame. And this I believe, that when I have the killer body and money of my own to spend, My crowning moment will come too. Till then , please bear with the I am fat, I am sad  blah blah blah

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About Thumbelina81
A dreamer lost in this world. Part time Writer, Part time Gardener, A full time wife.

38 Responses to The Fugly moment

  1. mridula says:

    As I am commenting on your blog for the first time I am not sure if this is about you or you are talking about the issue in general. But did the person think of seeking professional help?

  2. pranav says:

    Yes it is very much the mental than physical 😉

    Apart from that, it is very nicely compiled blog… glad to come across your blog, thanks to indiblogger 🙂

  3. Vasavi says:

    I agree too !! its more than mental one than physical ….I am very much with you darl . I recently heard of GM diet which is making wonders to all who followed it. Do you think we shud try this ??

  4. Oli says:

    It is like so many other things: the first step is admitting it. Self delusion and denial are your worst enemies, because you can spend most of the time pretending the problem doesn’t exist. You have already made that tiny, but crucial, step.

    Next step is making other tiny steps. Little, itty bitty changes to your routine. Workout ten minutes a day. Start counting calories. Just two little, itty bitty changes that are going to change your life.

    And don’t say, “I have already done those things and they didn’t work because I gave up.” This time is going to be different, because you know what you have to do, how you feel about yourself, and you are going to make it different.

  5. Val says:

    Have you tried the keto diet yet? It’s basically low carb, high fat, medium protein. Effective because:

    1. You don’t starve, your willpower does not get pushed
    2. Forces your body to use fat, some of which will come from your body fat
    3. Avoids spikes in blood sugar, insulin response

    It’s working for me, and I am currently losing 5kg per month.

  6. Wishing the best for you…

  7. Okelle says:

    Have you ever considered trying to love yourself exactly as you are, despite your imperfections? It is difficult to live in a world that so openly mocks and abuses larger women. But that doesn’t mean that you need to internalize the negative messages. Like yourself, I struggle with issues around weight and body image. But I find that calling myself fat and ugly and telling myself to get off my fat ass is counterproductive.

    I’m not saying that I know the solution for you. In my experience, these issues are the most difficult to face and deal with. It doesn’t help that our bodies DO change and that our behaviors have an impact on that. But so do our thoughts and attitudes. For myself, I try to remember that this is the only body that I have, and that I might as well learn to love it. I aim to treat it with care and patience, giving it healthy food and healthy exercise — neither too much or too little. And I don’t put things off until I after I have “lost the weight.”

    Regardless of what you decide to do, I want you to know that you are not alone. I hope that you find the middle way that finds you long-term fulfillment and happiness, regardless of the number on the tag in the back of your pants.

    • Thumbelina81 says:

      Thank you for your heartwarming message. It feels good to know that I am not alone. yes changes to my lifestyle are underway. And loving myself is on the top of the agenda.

  8. Bob says:

    Why are you so obsessed with clothes? Sorry, but clothes back up your looks, they don’t create them out of thin air.

    Stop the shopping and lose the weight. THEN shop.

    • Thumbelina81 says:

      Yeah, but i still live in a world where people believe that clothes maketh the person. And sometimes shopping becomes a necessity not a pleasure trip. Its only then that I shop. Thanks for visiting Bob.

  9. Makes me a little sad to read this.

    • Thumbelina81 says:

      Thank you for visiting mam. i hope to turn the frown upside down with my next posts. i love your blog and I really wish I was born with that amazing humour that you are blessed with.

  10. KP says:

    I think the post is written in first person for good effect and it made me smile.
    Who said staying slim is a virtue and being obese is not unless one runs a race..It is niether a mental nor physical battle so long it does not hamper easy movements.I have seen in US big ladies with youngish faces happily go round the malls.There is certain warmth and gaiety around these fat people unlike the lean and hungry looks of Cassius.Fat people laugh more and the slim are grumpy generally.Some are born tall and some short.This is a vertical issue while the other one is an horizontal problem.
    My point is try to reduce or increase the flab but whatever the outcome it is not a thing to crib about.

    • To say that I am apalled by your comments is to say the least. Telling someone with self image / self esteem issues that the outcome of their struggle is nothing to crib about is cruel and heartless. Weight issues are a mental and/or physical battle. Some individuals fight weight issues due to true medical issues such as thyroid disease. Others fight them as a result of being mentally bullied by those who poke fun, degrade them, and humiliate them publicly. To say this posting made you smile is disgusting. Walk a mile in the shoes of one who struggles before you take their plight so lightly. You are entilted to your opinion, but think before you speak – because just because you can say it – doesn’t mean you should.

  11. Dearest Thumbelina,

    It breaks my heart to read your words of such discouragement. You are so insightful, and so obvisously in pain. Siblings, classmates, society – can be so cruel to those among us who don’t fit “the profile of normalcy’ . You are correct in the fact that losing weight and keeping it off is 90% mental / 10% physical. And that is indeed a hard thing for people who have no problems with weight to grasp, let alone understand. My heart, and my prayers go with you as you struggle. My best advice to you (from experience) is to set small goals – losing weight is a marathon, not a sprint – seeking professional help to deal with the associated depression is a good start. You CAN do this. I have FAITH in you. I thank you also for visiting and deciding to follow my blog, I will be following yours as you journey to be the person you want to be,

    Take care,
    Stan

    • Thumbelina81 says:

      Thank you Stan for taking the time to visit and leave such kind words for me. I hope I will be able to make a breakthrough and see the silver lining soon. I hope my blog witnesses my true nascence soon. lots of love and power your way too.

  12. keladelaide says:

    Heartfelt thanks for following Free Little Words. I, too, am in a battle with my mind just not about my body/physical appearance. I have sought professional help when I knew that I could not do it on my own (by ‘on my own’ I mean my family support me but cannot ‘help’ me).

  13. siggiofmaine says:

    Thank you for this wonderful open and truthful post…It feels as if you reside with my spirit of fugly……. don”t feel so alone☺
    Thank you also for following my blog. I really appreciate that.

    Peace and love
    Siggi

  14. Francina says:

    … Hang in There , loving yourself is the first step to accept yourself me think and the rest will follow. We don’t need all to be a bag of bones to be loved. Real women don’t look like that 🙂

  15. Dear Thumbelina,
    Just love and accept yourself at any weight you want. It’s as simple as that. I was heavy all my life and my biggest dream was to be thin and eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Guess what? The opportunity presented itself to me a month ago, I was sick, tired, looked like hell and people asked if I was dying. Sure, I had a jelly doughnut but I didn’t enjoy it. Fat is a word and an excuse. When YOU want to lose weight, you will. You just have to be ready, I’ve done it a million times and I’m a stubborn mule. If you want help, let me know, Seriously, we could be facebook pals and I will help you. I’m a Libra, we love to help people and I’m just a regular, person. Free free to check out my blog. Best wishes, Laurie from Hibernationnow.wordpress.com

  16. It is good you are recognizing a certain point in your life that needs improvement—Moreover, you are set out to change your life for something more positive. Bravo!

  17. Hi, thank you so much for following my blog. The only time I truly felt overweight was when I was pregnant with my son and for about a year after. I was miserable. I hope you get to your goal weight, but I want you to remember you are a worthy person, just as worthy as anyone else. Love yourself! And with enough resolve, I know you can do whatever you put your mind to. Best wishes, Jennifer x

  18. InnerDialect says:

    Heavens girl, you can write about the telephone directory and make it a best seller…. where ever you ‘re at, its for a reason, then you will get rake thin, and that too will be a great post am sure. 🙂

  19. Pingback: What keeps me busy these days | My Nascence

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