Whiny Rant alert

Its one of those FML days . The days that I regret for having taken an oath of never cussing/swearing on the blog. The dark gothic twin strikes and even the bubbliness of the post earlier this morning cant get me out of the Fudgy moods ..While running in search of some calorie dense foods , I say, Thank you for  filling my cup of Joy ,it brimmeth over with two job rejections, shoving my self esteem to the lowest of pits. I have been waiting for three hours now for a supposed telephonic interview after blowing off a lunch date with DH and all I get is “sorry, the post is taken”  on a chat window.

And I am thinking, serves me right for deciding to chuck my blackberry at my boss’s desk at an elite financial services firm and quitting. This for a job that I underwent 14 rounds of interview for. Was given a decent position even after a four year sabbatical. And no, the Sabbatical was not a walk in the park , and smelling the roses was the least I could do, when I was not saving the sinking ship, or trying to get my uterus to reproduce. Finding it in myself to keep ducking the crap that was getting thrown at me from every end possible. And the crap keeps returning bountiful. I should pride in being the chosen one now.

Yes,I haven’t been the overtly ambitious woman who chases power or the elusive fat bonuses. I have been the kind of person who chose the husband and my life when in doubt. And thanks to that, every couple of years , I am at this juncture where the whole interviewing saga begins… . Maybe it is too much to ask , to be hired for a job , that may not get me to contribute to the heavy EMI that will get me a home that I lust for. Or being finally able to settle the dust on the adoption, or being able to transition into the next stages of a life. And while I am there, hopefully I can buy  tampons and lipsticks with my own money.

And I am angry and fuming, I found the below  e mail that I had written to my loved ones when I quit my Job and I am telling myself ..GO FISH.. What was I thinking???

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Well it is an eerie coincidence, the title of the book that I chose to read and the timing coinciding with me deciding to quit work after four months of consistent struggle. I wish I could say it was a well thought out  plan of action, which was taken after several hours of contemplation or I wish I could convince myself that I  had weighed all the pros and cons before turning my back on an opportunity that came to me after years of denial.

On the contrary, it was one of the most impulsive decisions that I had taken, of choosing to rip off a bandaid then letting the wound fester . It has been a while since I had been pushing myself to work and not connecting to any atom/molecule of the work assigned.

I was tired of the consistent mind games that I was putting myself through, of trying to condition my psyche and go through the rigmarole because I was too afraid of facing the consequences. Well I am no braveheart for having done what I did, but at the least I feel better for deciding to put an end to my misery.  I think it came to a point where the futility of the struggle was staring at me in my face and mocking me to take a stand. I could no longer be the miserable chicken on the fence. Something had to change because my fears had almost reduced me into a bundle of nerves with inertia to match. It was getting difficult for me to brush aside my inhibitions, put my blinders on and get on with my work. It had become increasingly torturous to be able to treat the job at hand as a means to fulfill the other aspects of my life. That would have been the right thing to do given my past experiences. But I chose differently, partly because I had the luxury to do so, and partly because inspite of being in my thirties, I am yet to conquer my bad habits, the habits of fleeing from a place which does not comfort me, of giving too much importance to the people around me and their perceptions of my abilities, of always choosing my pride over my financial security.

While I am in that mode, where  I am drowned in remorse, sometimes with self hatred and sometimes with self pity, I wish I  did not always have to choose between my happiness and my work . I wish I had the conviction to say, I know what I am doing, because truth be told..I don’t and I am not proud of it.

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About Thumbelina81
A dreamer lost in this world. Part time Writer, Part time Gardener, A full time wife.

4 Responses to Whiny Rant alert

  1. Fawzia says:

    Get yourself together, you will get a job soon, keep writing and exploring Blore.. Interviews will happen (loads of them) and jobs will happen too.. And ranting is normal.. Heehee..

  2. Malini says:

    This too shall pass.

  3. j4n says:

    I have done the same, Thumbelina…all the more human, too.
    Now, may I use your kit?

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