A white elephant and a pink cat

‘We never live; we are always in the expectation of living.’ ~Voltaire

Came across this very philosophical quote and yes maybe I relate to it, because I have lived most of my life waiting for the proverbial times to come. I think I have done the patient watch for so long that I have almost forgotten what it means to take the bull by the horns. I have forgotten how it feels to be alive in the true sense, of chasing my dreams,of being able to be one with my dreams and so on. I am still searching for the term that I can use to describe the current state of my mind, Its a close call between true content and sheer laziness.

I am not able to choose the right word because I miss the girl I used to be.

Life and the living has become so important that just grabbing a quiet moment seems like a lifetime’s achievement. I long to be in the place I used to be, of  being able to steer my life to what I had imagined it to be. I miss the unbridled passion that I had within me, of being able to see wonder and beauty in almost everything I see.

If you were wondering why I am sounding so jaded, well it was one of those silly conversations that I had, and the pettiness of it really made me stop in my tracks..someone asked me the other day, what I wanted the most in my life now? And I turned around without a second thought and said, a maid..

The person on the other end laughed it off, but for some reason I just couldnt. The thoughts that followed were,When did I become this person?  Is this what age does to you? Yes, I am at a comfortable place in my life with a gem of a husband in DH and a comfortable net of stable friendships. But  there is something missing which keeps my life from being complete.

I am sure I will find the answers soon but heres something that I thought about instantly, about  what has been missing from my life the past couple of years. I just seem to be unable to  have those lucid fairytale dreams anymore. When I was younger ( Oh my God, I said it) .. I wonder if it was my imagination going riot, but I had these splendid multicoloured dreams right out of fairytales. I wonder if it was the nascent story teller in me, but yes they were beautiful and I am sad to say that it is an end of an era now. These days I just sleep and disappear into nothingness.They say I am blessed by the blissful sleep fairy..but heck ya , I miss those little dreams which made my life so interesting. I remember getting up every morning and bugging everyone around me recounting those whacky dreams and trying to make sense of  them. It was an interesting sojourn as long as it lasted.

I have listed down a few vivid memories that I have of my crazy dreams while I still remember them. As weird as they sound but they were a constant in my dreams :

  1.  A white elephant –  I wonder how and wonder why but this huge white elephant would always be a part of my dreams, patting me with its trunk. There was a magical lure in its eyes, I would find myself staring at its kind eyes and would stay mesmerized.
  2.   A pink cat – Yes, a pink cat, a cat as furry and pink like the cotton candy. It was a sheer riot of colours but all it did was bring out disgust in me. I hated it and never really liked it surfacing in my dreams, but yes it did, like the white elephant, it was another superstar of my fairy tales .
  3.  Another constant dream would be of a young me, getting lost in those lush green paddy fields, acres and acres of greenery around me without a single soul around. I would find myself sitting there and waiting for someone to come and take me home.
  4.  I always dreamt of my days in school, vivid memories of my teachers, of my friends everyone.. The other weird part of the dream is I would always end up unprepared for a math exam and sometimes I woke up in cold sweat just dreading it.. Well  I have not studied so much for so long with so much at stake ..but I wonder why this dream kept recurring through out my adolescent and adult life.

Life is fun when you have dreams you cannot decipher but what I want now are dreams or hopes that I can work towards.A part of me that needs to awaken and tell the world of  dreams that make me the person I am , I need to write it down lest I forget what I am living and waiting for..

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About Thumbelina81
A dreamer lost in this world. Part time Writer, Part time Gardener, A full time wife.

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