An open letter to Milind Soman

For Milind Soman: You’re a really great guy,but I am married, So I think, we should be just friends.

Nevertheless,here it goes:

Dear you,

It all started in 1995 when you popped out of a box

On the screen

Forget the butterflies, watching you made me

Feel the freakin zoo in my stomach

What can I say, you had the hold on me

They were life changing moments, I must confess

The can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t do my homework kinds

I was twelve when I crooned “Take my Breath Away” to you

With my imaginary microphone in hand

I swore, I would grow up fast and marry you

Watching those insane indipop videos

Waiting for you to carry me away in those long gorgeous hands of yours

enhanced-17835-1437466770-1

All my twenties, I hoped better sense would prevail

That I would focus more on brain than the brawn

But then you went and did this thing with your hair

1369377586_69304

Jaws dropped , I watched you get

More fascinating and more inaccessible

I watched your insane hindi movies

Singing Chodo na mujhe yu bekarar saa ( yes it is one of your songs)

rules

And then you started running marathons

Sending my heart racing

I watched you evolve from this hunk to a man

Supporting causes and getting gorgeous by the day

I heard you ran  the triathlon this week

I drooled over your legs, your facial hair and will power

The undeniable truth stared at me

I have been in love for two whole decades

I hope Santa brings me you for Christmas

I am all grown now,

And maybe I can kiss you under the mistletoe

The white beard may make it weird

But what can I say, the beards are my thing

We could have a conversation over wine and cake

About life, love and this thing called the run

Triathlons don’t do justice to the lengths that I can go

To bring back the little girl who loved you so..

Much love,

Me

Milind-Soman-wins-Ironman-title1

Acceptance

Acceptance is a tiny quiet room

Where the walls close in slowly

On the constant turmoil of emotions

The screaming pain goes mute

The blame game comes to an end

The pursuit stops

The questions die

The tunnel vision clears up

The tears and the fears evaporate

The past stops existing

The future won’t matter

Memories settle down as sediments

The detachment begins

And lazy poetry emanates before the final surrender.

The writers block and the missing muse.

I have been in a bit of a creative slump in June. A dry parched spell that leaves me incredibly frustrated.  Oh! how can I explain these bouts of cranial constipation, of words and stories sitting uncomfortably in my head, refusing to get on pen and paper, or in my case, the keypad.

Well, fellow mad hatters recommend  re-invogorating my emotional self. And my inner voice screams, that’s an elaborate method of self-harm that you cannot indulge in right now. Academic writing, which I do for a living has stifled the creative in me. The grammar Nazi’s in my head keep obsessing over my long sentences, my ever free flowing speech with unnecessary comma’s , and I cannot write a word without feeling inadequate or gagged.

What do I write about – well, that’s another story for a day, the muse is far away figuring out life. I sit here calming the inner rebel in me and then I wonder—isn’t this  my version of life in hell – of dividing my life  into tiny little buckets , calming my emotional spurts and dealing with this unruly bitch called routine.

Strangely bereft of words, I seem to write about this thing called the writers block.

Oh! The ever enticing muse, out of my reach , like a whiny voice in my head. Without you, my writing feels like the specimen butterfly in the jar, all dried up. Till you decide to return and set me free from this tightly shut jars..i remain your’s sincerely,

Not a writer anymore.

The curious case of the missing Caveman Chronicles

Well, I have been in receipt of frantic emails from gentlemen readers of my blog who miss the Caveman, apparently the hero of My Nascence.

My sincere apologies, but what can I say I was busy trying to be the heroine of my story and somewhere along, the Caveman missed blog space.

So what is Caveman up to??  (Well, he is living his dream and continues to be the perpetual cause of my nightmares)

Eight months ago, he  bid goodbye to the world of ass kissing ( in his own words) and decided to take an indefinite sabbatical from the corporate world, to follow his dreams ( a.k.a, I have fed you enough, now go earn your bread and butter, and if there is jam, I’ll be a part of it too)

So he shuttles between Kannur and the homeland, living out of a suitcase, which he promises to pack himself someday, juggling two different aspirations:

  1. Of building a commercial skyscraper – which should take care of our crazy retirement dreams, without having to sell our soul too much?
  2. Of having an entrepreneurial venture – While he is in the homeland, he is off with his begging bowl, trying to get funds for his venture and setting the wheels in motion .

While I kept deluding myself, that I have finally domesticated the shrew, little did I realize that I am being a part of a carefully executed strategy? Listed are a few changes for your consumption:

 His wheels – He sold his mistress, the bullet, and invested in a tiny set of wheels for me with some spare cash for taxi rides. As a result of that, I am always taking him around and both of us are the best advertisement TVS could ask for. 2000 kms on a TVS Wego with two fat people on Indian roads . TVS gives durability a different name altogether.

Conversations at home – Well he has mastered the art of talking less and kissing more, to keep his nagging wife quiet.  Comfortable kisses, just enough to make the wife forget the errands he was supposed to run, or the things he promised to fix.  When we talk, Like the English, we discuss the fluctuating weather, Indian economy and passionately crazy entrepreneurs. When he is away, he texts me regularly – and the text is standard templates – Did you have your bfast, lunch and dinner?  Carefully programmed and delivered just enough to keep the wife from forgetting his existence.

He flip flops between two diets –  Beer , Wine and food when he is at home. Coconuts and more coconuts when he is in Kannur. The girth keeps growing and hugging him is becoming an increasingly challenging task, but I cannot complain, it was written in my marriage vows – Happiness cannot be size specific.

His attire – The man is always found now with a Mundu – They come in all sizes , colourful, printed with geometrical designs  and I replace them with white ones , just to make it pleasant on my eye. Ties, Formal shirts and formal trousers are only on request these days.

He is senior citizen friendly now –  He is  Roman in Rome, he rises along with the rooster and goes to bed before the sunset, and he is on top of all blood pressure ratings, diabetic friendly food and takes his mom for an hour long walk everyday ( that is sweet)

The skewed gender dilemma– So he is surrounded by all women at most times, and he gets so desperate for male company, that he hitches long distance rides with total strangers using an app called bla bla cars . And he tricks both the women in his life – his mom and the wife to fuss over him at every given chance and gets away with almost everything.

Penny wise – The Olympics of cheapness continues. He continues to be the Penny wise guy finding the most innovative jugaads to save money. And  I am the perfect Pound foolish to his sense of economics.

The teenager in him – He has become a social media addict, and it is difficult to get his attention from twitter, Facebook and Team bhp. Creating a virtual world for himself, and giving us the rare fleeting moments of attention.

I am tired writing now , but what can I say- He just said the most romantic words ever- “I promise I will keep the house clean next time when I am there”.

Well, gentlemen, hope this long post satiates your curiosity and hopefully  you get a few tips to con your wives. We will keep them coming.

And for you Caveman – All I can say is – Life with you is an adventure and I wouldn’t want to trade it for anything else in the world.  You drive me crazy but maybe in the craziness , I find a way to stand still. And here’s a picture that makes me wants to give up everything to keep that smile forever.

10361264_10152661078694021_6765373374347777565_n

Margarita with a straw – Uninhibited sexuality and why I loved it

There are good movies and then there are movies that get you to witness a beautiful and thought provoking journey, absorbing you into a world of its own, and maybe leaving you with answers that you seek to find.

Needless to say Margarita with a straw left me with goose bumps, a contemplative state of mind and most importantly, a few answers of my own.

The Plot as I perceived it – Well it is a tale of uninhibited sexuality, an extra ordinary take on a journey of a young girl(Laila) afflicted with cerebral palsy, who cannot get her physical body to perform any independent activities. But she has an unboxed mind, a passionate spirit, a curious body, and an insatiable need to be loved and accepted. The movie is a melting pot of the various emotions ,a glimpse into day-day relationships, and the world around a person affected with disabilities. Key themes of the movie

The world of cerebral palsy – The limitations it imposes on the physical body. The glass wall that seperates the one affected from those who are not. My key take away from it, it is not only the journey of the person who is suffering from it, but it is the family, loved ones, who take a lifetime to accept someone with disabilities.  Their urge to protect and nurture them, somehow obstructs the individuals journey towards acceptance and self-reliance.

The hues of Friendship – In one of the segments, Laila kisses a friend, another cerebral palsy patient. A choice driven by curiosity and raging hormones.  Giving you a glimpse into the comfort shared by two friends, that help s one take liberties of a different kind.

Unrequited love – Laila falls in love with a normal lead singer of the band.  And he rejects her.  Breaking her heart , getting her to accept her  reality and helplessness, denting her spirit but she learns to pick herself up and move on with life.

The world of Bisexuality – Well, they say you have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince. In this case, Laila kisses a boy, man, a married man, makes love to a woman hoping to find love and true communion. Inspite of being in a stable relationship with the woman, Laila continues to find the void and through her journey of giving into follies and impulses, she discovers her bisexuality and is unapologetic about it. She does not let her insecurities, loneliness and fleeting comfort be the reasons to stay in a relationship and marches on with life.

The relationship between a mother and a daughter – It’s a movie much ahead of times atleast in the Indian scenario, A mother faces her own battles while providing unconditional love and support to her daughters unconventional choices in love and sexuality.  Ulitmately, Laila realizes the  love she had for her mother, after she loses her to death.

Sex , physical pleasure or making love . Maybe that’s the big deal about it, Finding someone who can make you come alive in every atom and molecule of your body, lose your inhibitions , and make you fall in love with your own body, the only thing that is truly yours. More like finding yourself in the somebody’s arms.

Maybe the only answer to finding love is finding yourself, nurturing it with love and affection, before extending it to someone else.

Go ahead , watch the movie for stellar performances by Kalki , Revathi and  the fantastic direction by Shonali Basu. And if you ‘d like to, maybe we can discuss this movie, over a Margarita with a straw someday.images

The months that were April and May 2015

April and May almost passed in a blur of activities. Setting a routine for me which required me to be present for my loved ones. Being there in the true sense of word, keeping my anxieties, fears, cravings aside, and caring for them. And  through the whirlwind of activities,  I learnt a few things

1.Sticking to a routine, limits my freedom of thought and action. And at times, it is the best thing to tame the monkey of my mind. Keeping me in line, helping me prioritise,  helping me lose myself to a purpose which requires me to stay above my anxieties, fears and cravings.
2. Choosing priorities over conveniences is tough but it sets a much needed rhythm to my life. And the by product of that is a special kind of confidence that emerges in my being. Of having done the right thing inspite of it, being difficult and inconvenient.
3. If you love someone, you need to love their family too. Accepting them for who they are and not for what you want them to be.
4. The family I married into gives eating to live a different meaning altogether. Life gets punctuated between breakfast,lunch ,tea time and dinner. That’s how they are and that’s okay with me.
5. The best thing about having an iPhone is Facetiming with your friends. Bridging the distance a bit, and chipping away at my loneliness. Maybe my life gets punctuated by moments with them and moments without them.
6. It’s better to have my nose buried in a book than in anyone else’s business. Had a lot of time to indulge in reading , thanks to the scribd on iPad. Thanks to their first free month subscription,Getting used to the electronic version of books and loving it.
7. Running tones my body but makes me very anxious and frustrated. Yoga calms me down.
8. I need to take care of my knees, I’ll miss them when they are gone.
9. Complaining isn’t conversation. It is just a process of dumping my stuff on someone. I don’t need that. I just need soulful conversations  where time stands still, with no blame, no reasoning, no arguments, just being there for each other in true companionship.
10. I am only happy when the Caveman is happy. And although I try to live in denial,He is my strength. I am the one person who has the special privilege of getting away with annoying him for the rest of our lives. Maybe that’s the thing about love, feeling free and wanted at the same time.
 So until next time we connect,I will be enjoying in the true bliss of solitude and getting back to my world of writing, reading and taking care of myself.

Just Read- Following Atticus

download

Following Atticus

Finally a book that spoke to me, a book that transported me into the life of a man, a dog, a shared purpose and a story of true companionship.

Maybe that’s the thing about good books; you find a connect with someone else’s words,  the tale resonates with your inner being, awakens a part of you and gets you pondering over life and its myriad hues.  The thing that struck me most in the book was the theme of companionship – Of having a true and equal companion, maintaining individual entities with no innate need to fuse together,  with no rules to adhere to,  just plain affection and watching each other grow through life, and most importantly growing together. A very beloved concept refelected in  my earlier poem Wellwisher

 The plot – Tom Ryan  an overweight, idealistic writer and editor ( hmmm yes I can see the similiarities) , refusing to fit into the expected norms of journalism and is trying to make a social impact with his independent  newspaper– The Undertoad.   His quest for companionship leads him to know and nurture two dogs –  Max – who he loses to death within a short period  and the second – Atticus ( a tiny  schnauzer)  – who he seeks out,   nurtures him and together they set out to scale forty eight mountain peaks. Through the journey, Tom re-discovers himself , working through the issues that he had growing up, dealing with an emotionally distant father , realizing how much he had in common with him.  Learning to forgive himself and reveling in the joy of  companionship that Atticus brings to his life.  The book also takes us through the journey of Atticus, the little hero of the book, scaling peaks inspite of his temporary blindness .  The book also gives you a glimpse of  hiking, its challenges and most importantly describes beautifully the feeling one has , after achieving a goal closer with your loved companion .The book is peppered with  timely quotes from Emerson , Thoreau making it quite interesting  providing food for thought  , allowing m:oments for the reader to get their own perspective.

Some quotes that I thoroughly enjoyed reading and leaving them for you

We were a team, but it was important to me that he was allowed to be himself and not simply my dog. I did not want an accessory so much as a living, breathing, feeling entity to accompany me through life. Allowing him to have his own last name,It’s important for a dog  to be himself,” she said.

There is a point in climbing when you get quiet and are enveloped by the  solitude. The hike turns into a walking  meditation and becomes Zen-like. You  stop trying so hard, and your stride  And your mind falls into place with your heart

And my favourite – The deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless, it is beyond words, and it is beyond speech, and it is beyond concept. Not that we dis- cover a new unity. We discover an old- er unity. . . . We are already one. But we imagine that we are not. And what we have to recover is our original uni- ty. What we have to be is what we are.” Perhaps love is the process  of my gently leading you back to your-  self.

If I have  intrigued you enough, do buy the book here 

And you can read more of Tom and Atticus’s adventures on his lovely blog